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Indecent Dressing By Stella Damasus

     I was at a popular shopping mall with my kids a while ago buying pizza. My children decided to go into the department store so they could see the latest “wii” game if any.  As I was about to join them, someone tapped my shoulder and said please Madam Stella, forgive me for being so rude I would like to talk to you and it’s urgent.

I said okay, “no problem, what can I do for you?”  She asked if we could go to a quiet corner so we could talk better? I said “okay, as long as it’s not far from where I could keep an eye on my kids.” So we walked in and she brought out a magazine, flipped through and pointed at a lady that was almost nude, all in the name of fashion.

She said she wanted to talk to me because she knew that I was familiar with the person in the magazine. I already knew where she was going and started laughing. She got offended and wondered why I found it funny.

She then started to raise her voice, saying that those of us who are role models are supposed to be setting good examples, which was very true, and that she has seen over five pictures of me at different events and I’m always properly dressed and according to her “covered up”,  which was also true.

I agreed with her and told her I was laughing because I had seen that particular magazine and already had a conversation about it with my sisters and a few of my good friends. One of my friends actually said, “the beautiful ones are always properly and decently dressed but the ugly, insecure, unintelligent and shapeless ones are the ones who flaunt those worn out, stretch marked, oversized, body parts that should be left covered”.

That was actually the major reason I laughed and by the time I finished, the woman was laughing harder than I was. We then sat by the food court and started chatting.  Her worries were very justified because she had a sixteen-year-old daughter who would do anything to become an actress and singer, she has been attending vocal classes, just to show how serious she was.  Her mum was rightfully worried because her role models are: Guess who? Those same ladies in the entertainment world who give off wrong signals.

It’s a free world, we all know that, and people have freedom of expression; we don’t have the right to judge or criticise people; one man’s meat is another man’s poison; this is the 21st century; you must belong so that you can be a happening babe; and so on and so forth.

True, but at whose expense? I love Asa’s song titled, Fire on the mountain, especially the part where she sang: Who’s responsible for what we teach our children? Is it the internet or the stars on television? Why, oh why. It’s one of my favourite songs, so forgive me if I use it all the time.

We forget that regardless of civilization, exposure and status, we are still first of all Africans with values, culture etc.  Believe it or not, these are the things that amaze the western world, because they don’t have that. They want to know the way we live, how we think, the way we dress, the way we talk, our tradition and culture, the peculiarity of our film-making.

They have turned African tradition and culture into major courses in foreign universities, it remains a mystery to them.

While these are happening, we are busy trying to lose all that, just to be like them at all costs.  Most of the copycats have never even seen the inside of the international airport. The information they get of the Western world is basically from television and magazines. This is really sad, because they think that when you are almost nude, every man will want to get along with you, right? WRONG!

You enjoy all the attention yes but try to tell him to introduce you to his family, even as just a friend, then watch out for his reaction. Trust me, the opposite sex will nearly kill his sister or his wife if they dress like that, but they will let you do it because to them you are just a piece of meat.  My mother always used to tell me: “Dress the way you want to be addressed”.

I went to one of the cinema houses sometime last year and saw four girls in their school uniforms, carrying knapsacks. They called out my name in excitement and ran to me to sign autographs, which I gladly did.  They left and I saw an old friend of mine who started chatting with me.

In less than 10 minutes, the same schoolgirls came out of the restroom and when I saw what they were wearing, my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged out in horror. They were wearing serious hot micro daisy duke shorts with halter neck half tops. I couldn’t handle it, and it just occurred to me that they packed extra clothes in their bags, went to school and came straight from school to the cinema.  My first question to my friend was: Is there a dress code that I don’t know about for cinema now or is something wrong somewhere? People don’t go into cold cinema halls half naked, so they were obviously not there to watch a movie, and there was certainly no party there.

When young girls dress like that, what do you think they are trying to achieve if not attention? You know that they will definitely not get the right kind of attention.  My heart started beating fast and I said a quick prayer asking God to give me the wisdom to train my kids the way my mum trained us.

These girls could not have been more than 14 and that is scary.  We need to tell ourselves the truth. I’m going to take time out to explain some of the reasons this happens and how we could make it better.  We should not condemn ladies who dress like that because some of them are going through psychological issues, living in self-denial and have lost every ounce of confidence and self-esteem to the point where they are screaming “Attention”! They just want to be noticed.

Some of the reasons that I have discovered are: -

Upbringing: This mostly is caused by the way the child is raised and what she is exposed to at an early age.  As we know, the biggest influence on kids is television.  Most parents don’t bother to control what their kids are watching and learning. For instance, some music videos are not appropriate for children because it has become a nude affair, and since it is played in the minds of these kids, they begin to think it is normal and acceptable especially when no adult is preventing them from watching and telling them it is not right.

Parents and older siblings also have to be careful with their own dressing because kids tend to emulate the older ones.  Another thing that worries me is the fact that some mothers are actually the ones who buy these clothes for their young daughters. They are the ones that even tell them the names like, daisy dukes, tank tops, halters, strapless, British cores, hipster, low waist jeans that shows the crack of the butt, balloon micro and a host of others.

Exposure: A lot of parents pride themselves on the fact that they can afford the best things in life for their kids, which is very good.  But they have to be careful what they expose their kids to at an early age.  For instance, some parents need to realise that at a certain age there are some places that their young daughters should not go, and there are some friends they cannot be extremely close to. This might sound harsh but trust me, the saying, “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are”, is very strong.

My daughter was invited to the shopping mall by her classmate whom she said was also a friend and I insisted that the child minder and my second daughter must accompany her. Hours later, when they came back it was my younger daughter that told me that the girl who invited them was wearing the kind of shorts I said they cannot wear.  I called the minder so she could explain and she said the girl was wearing hot pants and was pointing at a bottle in the alcohol stand, saying her dad allowed her to drink that adult drink and it was very nice.

Of course, my older daughter came to me and said, “Mum her shorts had Hanna Montana designs on them and they were really nice”. When I got up and gave my daughter “the look” (she understands that look very well), nobody told her to end her statement with “(but then again it was just too short and I didn’t like that)”.  I had to refuse any more gatherings or meetings between my kids and the girl in question because I could only imagine what a little girl her age would already have been exposed to. Kids learn faster from their peers and television. This brings me to the next one.

Peer Pressure: This is the most common one because young girls who are not properly grounded at home can be very gullible.  They want to belong, they don’t want to be laughed at or ignored; so once they see other girls doing it, getting away with it and attracting the opposite sex, they believe it’s the way forward. I have seen young girls who would rather starve, or not pay for exams or even medicals, than miss out on the newest skimpy skirt or cleavage showing tops, just to feel accepted by others who are neck deep in it. If a young girl does not follow this trend, they are called “old fashioned”, “old school”, “mama Africa”, “sister mary”, “ITK”, “booky” and so on.  No young girl wants her peers to call her that, so automatically they would conform.

Psychological: There are various psychological reasons that push young girls into this mode. A lot of young girls cannot handle pressure. It breaks them down. Most of them have parents that are not their friends and therefore cannot share their thoughts and concerns. You find that most of them either bottle these things up and then explode one day and do the extreme; or they avoid the psychological trauma by following others so they are not different.

Some young girls have gone through a lot at a tender age which has really disturbed them psychologically.  Some have low self esteem, some feel they are not appreciated because they are not as pretty as their sisters or friends; others feel because their parents insult them with words like, “you good for nothing girl”, “you are useless in this house.” etc.  The think the only thing they are good for is using their bodies to attract men to make money so they can be useful.  Some actually have said that they wear crazy and revealing clothes to make up for other areas of their bodies that are not so nice e.g. face.

You would be surprised that when you listen to most of these young girls talk about reasons behind what they do; instead of judging or insulting them you would be compelled to help them because most of them are misguided and some have been physically and mentally abused. So this for them is their way of rebelling and punishing their folks.

We need to find a way of showing them that we are not judging them but want to help. They have to be taught that “people protect what they love, cherish and respect. So if you treat your body like it’s an object or a tool to get something by exposing it and showing the whole world things that should be covered, then it means that you don’t love, cherish and respect your body”.

It is also our responsibility as celebrities, role models, house hold names, etc. to set good examples and show the younger generation that decency is very important. We tend to forget that we are being watched, especially by these young girls who want to be like us. They copy whatever we do, how we walk, talk, dress, behave and even our expressions. We have to be careful with the way we do things that influence the impressionable minds. These young girls will listen to their favourite stars and emulate them more than their own mothers or sisters.

A lot of people may hate me or call me names because of this article but like I always say, these are my thoughts and my opinion. I have a responsibility and that is to speak the truth that I know.

Let us try to mentor these girls even when it seems they are not interested.

Quote: Dress the way you want to be addressed.

Orphanage Business By Stella Damsasus

   Forgive me if this article offends or affects you, I am just speaking from the heart, thoughts, experience and research.

   Phew! Since that is settled, let me proceed into this world of business which has become very lucrative, though this side of it is being swept under the carpet.

   I remember vividly a few years ago during Christmas, my kids and I were at home. Later that day, my  first daughter walked up to me and asked why we were home just eating, watching movies, praying and playing dress up as usual. I told her that we had fun the previous day and the day before that, so I wondered what she wanted. She stylishly reminded me that most of her cousins had travelled, others were at a resort, some friends were at the park, some have gone swimming and the list was long. I turned and told her that she should be grateful that she has a roof over her head, she has more than enough to eat and drink, she had family and a parent who loves her to bits. I saw the look on her face and an idea popped up in my head. You see, I learnt that with children, words don’t work for them all the time, they do better with pictures and experiences.

       I remembered that during one of our sessions at the Project Alert Shelter, I was introduced to three young girls who were abused by their own father and could not be saved by their mother who was a foreigner. I remembered that as the court battle raged, the three girls were taken to an orphanage, even though I had volunteered to take care of them till the end of the court case.

    Anyway, I decided that to teach my children more about appreciation, I will take them to an orphanage so they can see other kids who have nothing but appreciate what little they have. I also wanted an opportunity to see the three lovely girls again.

      We went out to a nearby market and bought rice, oil, packed up clothes that we could give out and other things we didn’t need anymore and drove to the orphanage. When we got there, we asked one of the matrons who we could see and where we could drop the things we brought. She quickly asked me to bring out everything and follow her; then she called other women who were working there to assist us.

     As we got to the store, I was overwhelmed, because there was no space to even stand. The room looked like a warehouse filled with goods that a whole city could feast on. It really made me happy because I began to love Nigerians more for their love and care for the less-privileged, seeing all they had been contributing.

   There was no space to put the gifts we had brought, so they took me to the back of the store where there were other things on the floor that could not fit in there.

     I was filled with so much joy, and in the excitement I told them my children would love to see the kids there and share some pencils and erasers themselves. But they said it was not possible and asked me to go and come back some other time.  So I threatened to report them to the appropriate authorities; it was a festive season and people should be allowed to show love and spend time with these children. After some minutes of really causing a scene, we were finally allowed to see the children. I would not normally do that if I had not noticed two children who had peeped when we were walking in, and kept  waving at us. I just could not stop thinking about them, so I had to insist.

    Well, this is where my story begins and I am sure some of you have the same story to tell.

   They then suggested that we stayed in front of the hostels so that they can call everybody out to receive the gifts. For some reason, I insisted that they should allow me into the rooms, but my children could stay out with my cousin and give out the gifts.

      As I walked into the boys ward, I immediately understood why they had been reluctant to let us see them. The odour oozing out of that room was enough to make a pig run mad. I saw some of the boys looking really skinny and unkempt, their sheets were old and dirty, no books nor toys around them, especially the little ones. My heart broke and my throat began to hurt as I struggled to hold back the tears. In anger, I stormed out and walked straight into the girls accomodations. Oh, trust me, this time my head was spinning, I thought I was going to pass out. In order not to offend sensitive people reading this, I will restrain from giving a vivid picture of what I saw, smelt and experienced. Only God knows what would have happened if I had entered their toilets.

        I came out to where the kids had gathered and there I spotted my three lovely girls. I hugged them so tight to the point that the matron started wondering what the connection was. From wondering, it turned to obvious unease because she was not sure what I would find out. I took the oldest of them aside and asked her what was going on, and why they were all looking sick and funny. She said they were only given food when their caretakers were satisfied. I didn’t understand that, so I told her that I could not accept her story because of the overfull warehouse I saw. She laughed and  said, “aunty you don’t know that you people have been bringing gifts and food for their own homes and children. We see the amount of things people bring regularly, especially during festive periods but at night when they are going home, they share most of these things and take them home”.

     She added that, “aunty if you want me to be alive, please don’t say I told you anything”. I promised her and went to see the matron, and before I opened my mouth to talk, she started telling me how difficult the job can be, how the work takes them away from their families and other things, how tasking it can be to take care of other people’s children. I got so angry that I said: “Madam, did anyone force you to sign up for this job?” She could not answer me, so I told her that I didn’t really understand why people donate so much but it does not reflect on these children.

     It’s amazing how we create wrong impressions of ourselves in this country. Nigerians actually give, especially to orphans but go to some of these orphanages, year-in-year-out they are the same, and it then seems like nobody cares, not realising that the people who run some of these homes are just greedy.

     I  took my kids and we got into the car, as we drove out of there, they were both crying and talking about some of the kids they interacted with. My second daughter actually said: “Mummy, can’t we take them out of that terrible place and bring them to our house? I can sleep on the floor so some of them can take my bed, I can also share my toys with them.” I told her that if it were possible, I would gladly do it. Then she asked me why I can’t take, even if it’s just one or two at least.  I laughed it off but it got me thinking. So, I called Aunty Josephine of Project Alert and lamented bitterly about my experience at the orphanage. She was so upset and we both agreed that at the next hearing, we would tell the judge that we want to take care of them till they reached a final verdict.

     I spoke to a lawyer who said I may not get the court to allow me to temporarily take care of the two younger girls, but the older girl was old enough to decide where she wants to go. So, I quickly went to the orphanage again and told the matron I needed to discuss the girls’ case, so she should let me see her. They gave me ten minutes to speak with her, and I asked her what she wanted. She replied that she would love to stay with her siblings, but she also knows that her being in there would not help her case. She was the only one who could testify against her father and so she had to be safe and healthy in order to win the case so that another family can take care of them.

    I went to meet the matron to discuss adoption, and that was where part two of my story began.

She said: “Madam, I hope you are ready for this and not give up because you know that you might be on this adoption process for two years”. I asked why she said that, and when she started telling me what I had to do just to adopt a child and not to build a church with three hundred naira only, I knew something was wrong somewhere. That was when I decided to start investigating some of these orphanages.

     In a week, I discovered over 20 orphanages in Ikeja and they had plenty of children. Every other street has one hidden orphanage. Then, I wondered  why people didn’t like adopting children, because I know a lot of people who really want to adopt kids. I asked a few people whom I knew wanted children why they have not thought of adoption. Contrary to popular belief, it is not just about the society and the stigma, it’s the fact that these orphanages make it humanly impossible for you to adopt the kids. 

    And they make sure you get frustrated. This is what I found out: Orphanages are entitled to grants from foreign organisations and most of them have offices in Ghana, South Africa and Kenya. Once you are a registered orphanage, you can apply for funds that they will sent monthly. In Nigeria too, the government makes sure that they adopt some of these orphanages, thereby sending them money for school, food and other basic amenities. At least, I know of one in Lekki that the former Governor of the State, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu adopted, and all the children there started bearing his name.

   The catch is that you must have a certain number of children that you are taking care of to qualify for the grants, and to be adopted.

I never would have believed it if I had not gone there to try and adopt, I have also sent other people to go and try, and they all have different stories to tell.

    However, I must point out here that not all of them are the same. There are some credible ones that I have visited personally, and it gave me hope that there are still a group of people who really do care, places like Heritage Homes, SOS Children’s Village and others. I also give kudos to Mr and Mrs Femi Akintunde Johnson who set up Angel of Hope. They have shown so much love and support for these children.

    I went to Heritage Homes some years ago and I was so happy with the quality of life and attention the kids were getting. Merely seeing the pictures of when the kids were brought in and how transformed they now are, proved that they are for real.

The next phase of my story will be in another article, but just to give you a small idea: I also discovered that some of these women who carry two to three children at the same time under the sun to beg for money actually rent these children from some orphanages and they split the proceeds at the end of the day. More gist later o.

Truth is, I know that I will face a lot or criticisms, insults, threats and what have you. I have to speak the truth from what I have experienced and I advise that the government should send people to check out most of these orphanages  because we are talking about the lives of children here, most of whom have been deprived of love, affection and attention.

Quote: The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands in times of challenges. —Martin Luther King

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Actors Guild Of Nigeria Election Postponed As Stella Damasus Steps Down

    Nollywood star actress,stella damasus who was planning to contest for the post of Actors Guild of Nigeria (AGN)Public Relations officer has stepped down .
  Her publicist confirmed the development  to PM news “Yes, Stella is no longer contesting for reasons she would like keep to herself. But she is still a member of AGN and will continue to support the guild in her capacity. She recently enrolled some members of the guild for free training at her arts academy, and that will be a continuous effort from her, whether she is an AGN executive or not,” the publicist stated.
   The AGN election which was supposed to hold march 17 in Ekiti has now been postponed to April 27 and 28 ,2012.  Emeka Rollas, Ibinabo fibresima and steve eboh are vying for the Guild's top position .The venue for the election will soon be disclosed